Inspired by an OCAU Forum thread, here are today’s ‘top ten things videogames have taught me about life’:
1. "Achtung" is the most prevalent word in the German language, and can be roughly translated as "I’m going to run directly towards you, shooting wildly".
2. The toughest boss you ever encounter will never be as indestructible as a humble locked door.
3. Not to worry, because the corpse carrying the key in it’s pocket will always be considerate enough to have died on your side of the door.
4. Every species other than humans consists of an army of clones.
5. The only reason alien motherships are so big, is so they can carry the 20 million rounds of ammunition they’ll require in order to hit you once.
6. You can pick up a rocket launcher, but you couldn’t possibly carry any more rounds of pistol ammo.
7. If you ever have to fight a huge Russian wrestler, he can be easily defeated if you just stand in one place jumping straight up into the air and kicking.
8. The quickest way to advance toward your enemy is generally a series of leaping somersaults.
9. The key to being a powerful fighter is to loudly announce each of your moves in Japanese.
10. You can play any piece of music on a guitar with 5 buttons, provided the function of the buttons has little correlation with the actual sound of the music.
Actually I don’t much like Guitar Hero. How dare people have hours of fun playing rubbish versions of difficult songs without first putting in the years of procrastinating-from-practice that I’ve had to go through (with a real guitar) to reach the same point!
It seems that the act of appending the word Hero to any instrument name, and assigning points to each note played, automatically makes it wildly popular. On that note I suggest that if the music industry (the real music industry - as distinct from the %#@$^& music recording-and-selling industry) were to invent a form of music notation staff that was brightly-coloured and had a point-value assigned to each note, music tuition attendance would go through the roof!
I think they need to cater for those a little more musically-challenged though. Where’s the Triangle Hero, or the Cowbell Hero??
They could even take the concept a step further and make a Guitar Hero Hero. Where you just push one button, and it plays you the entire song. Oh wait I’ve already got that - it’s called Winamp.