The Lowest Form of Wit

February 17, 2008

Virtually realistic

Inspired by an OCAU Forum thread, here are today’s ‘top ten things videogames have taught me about life’:


1. "Achtung" is the most prevalent word in the German language, and can be roughly translated as "I’m going to run directly towards you, shooting wildly".


2. The toughest boss you ever encounter will never be as indestructible as a humble locked door.

3. Not to worry, because the corpse carrying the key in it’s pocket will always be considerate enough to have died on your side of the door.


4. Every species other than humans consists of an army of clones.


5. The only reason alien motherships are so big, is so they can carry the 20 million rounds of ammunition they’ll require in order to hit you once.


6. You can pick up a rocket launcher, but you couldn’t possibly carry any more rounds of pistol ammo. 


7. If you ever have to fight a huge Russian wrestler, he can be easily defeated if you just stand in one place jumping straight up into the air and kicking. 


8. The quickest way to advance toward your enemy is generally a series of leaping somersaults. 


9. The key to being a powerful fighter is to loudly announce each of your moves in Japanese.


10. You can play any piece of music on a guitar with 5 buttons, provided the function of the buttons has little correlation with the actual sound of the music.

Actually I don’t much like Guitar Hero. How dare people have hours of fun playing rubbish versions of difficult songs without first putting in the years of procrastinating-from-practice that I’ve had to go through (with a real guitar) to reach the same point!

It seems that the act of appending the word Hero to any instrument name, and assigning points to each note played, automatically makes it wildly popular. On that note I suggest that if the music industry (the real music industry - as distinct from the %#@$^& music recording-and-selling industry) were to invent a form of music notation staff that was brightly-coloured and had a point-value assigned to each note, music tuition attendance would go through the roof!

I think they need to cater for those a little more musically-challenged though. Where’s the Triangle Hero, or the Cowbell Hero??

They could even take the concept a step further and make a Guitar Hero Hero. Where you just push one button, and it plays you the entire song. Oh wait I’ve already got that - it’s called Winamp.

February 14, 2008

Stop! Metal Time!

Filed under: Music
 
Albums/promos I’ve heard lately, with quick comments and subjective scores (influenced by the styles I like, as much as anything):

Protest the Hero - Fortress (2008)
Quite cool metalcore sorta stuff (don’t stop reading yet!). A bit progressive in nature, quite hard to pigeonhole. Various parts of the first song remind me of Sikth, BTBAM, Mr Bungle, DEP, In Flames. So yeah, I don’t mind this. Nothing mindblowing but a fun listen and stands out of the pack. Whatever the hell pack that is.
6.5/10

Winds of Plague - Decimate the Weak (2008)
This is another hard/metalcore type album, with the addition of a few symphonic elements. They’re pretty firmly in the "let’s see how meaty we can make the 5 breakdowns in each song" category, but they don’t do a bad job. Some of the mosh-riffs are pretty crushing, and there’s no gay vocals. Good for a change from the usual cerebral stuff.
6.5/10

I’ve only given the above two albums 6.5/10, but most albums in the hardcore-influenced style I’d probably score a 4 or less, so.. they’re pretty good for that sort of thing.

The Cavalera Conspiracy - Inflikted (2008)
The long-awaited reunion of Igor and Max. Unfortunately it’s more Soulfly than old-Sepultura. It has it’s moments, and it’s always nice to hear Igor’s excellent drumming style (even though he doesn’t really seem to extend himself much these days), but overall I won’t be listening to it much. They do what they do quite well, but it’s a mere shadow of what we heard them doing 15 years ago. And anything that replaces c’s with k’s (or f’s with v’s) in it’s title automatically loses points, it goes without saying.
4/10

Dark Suns - Grave Human Genuine (2008)
This is a cool progressive album, lots of different styles and speeds evident, and quality execution. Their range varies between Pink Floyd/Porcupine Tree vibe to Opeth heaviness - though they spend more time in quiet territory than they do in distortionsville. Really nice vocals, mostly clean but some quality growl sections too. Good variety of percussion too. Recommended for the progressive fans. (shame about the skips in the current rls - beware - but imo it’s too good for those to really matter)
8/10

Akuma - Shrouds of the Final Nothing (2007)
Again, progressive death kinda possibly. Japanese band. When they’re good, they’re really good. The decent songs vary between sad spacious Opeth-y soundscapes (think the parts where they’re strumming big open distorted chords with a minor-key lead melody played over the top, like the start of The Drapery Falls) and catchy, heavy, thrashy assaults. Unfortunately they’ve seen fit to put in a couple of rubbish acoustic songs with clean vocals, and let’s just say that Damnation they are not. Again with the Opeth comparisons. But overall it’s really cool, a new take/combination of some good styles.
7/10 (7.5, without "Warrior-Poet" and "Await").

The Tangent - Not As Good As The Book (2008)
Double-CD, progressive rock (not really heavy enough to be called prog-metal), think Floyd, Genesis, Rush, Flower Kings, that sort of thing. But possibly with a tad more shredding. Very easy listening for prog (rock or metal) fans, but don’t expect anything heavy. I don’t know the style well enough to go terribly in-depth about it but suffice to say I’d be more than happy to throw this on when I was in the mood for some old-school Floyd or the like (but more interesting and progressive).
7/10

Mercenary - Architect of Lies (2008)
If Soilwork has an heir, these guys are probably it (aside from the ruling Scar Symmetry who are, to be fair, a bit different). Ever-so-slightly higher on the gay-clean-vocals-o-meter than old-school Soilwork was, but not fatally so (by my reckoning), and they do the technical but clean-and-sanitised melodeath thing well, with quite good tasteful but skillful solos, really good heavy parts peppered throughout, and balanced production. This latest album sounds as good as anything I’ve heard by them.
7/10 (based on first part-listen only)

- Interlude -
Speaking of Soilwork, Ola Frenning (the remaining original guitarist) has just left the band - due to differences in direction or something, it sounds like (reading between the lines). I remember that Ola and Peter were always into the twin-guitar Iron Maiden and co type thing (ie. metal), and I reckon that Speed Strid, and probably the record company too, pushed them into commerciality, to the point where the guitarists had had enough. That’s just my take on it. Anyway the band is dead now as far as I’m concerned - they already had been for the past two albums, but this confirms it and makes it pretty much final in my books.
- Interlude -

Other things I’ve briefly listened to recently include:

For Selena and Sin - Overdosed on You - average female-fronted goth metal, well below the frontrunners of the genre. Not worth it except for hardcore fans of this style. This is the "I don’t know why I’m bothering to write about this, because I certainly didn’t listen to it for more than 30 seconds" album of the bunch.

Behemoth - The Apostasy - well-executed tech-death - or whatever it is - scored #1 on the KzT members ‘best of 2007′ list so I thought I’d better check it out. This degree of blasting isn’t really my cup-o-tea but I appreciated some parts and can see how fans of the style would probably elevate it to the favourites league. I thought the slow parts were awesome.

Paul Gilbert’s new one - haven’t listened to this enough yet to really have a verdict, but it’s obviously going to be a good instrumental shred album. I like it when these shredders construct something new and different/creative (other than the usual rhythm/lead standard shred-song thing), and on that basis I quite enjoy the song Suite Modale from this album.

Stam1na’s latest weird-named album (2008) - hard to know what to say about these guys, hard to describe the strange mix of styles they put together, Swedish-schizo-metal-pop would be about the best description I can give. Near impossible to review to somebody who’s never heard them. I like, a bit hard to digest just because it’s so different - but their regular good moments are really cool.

Children of Bodom’s new single - reminds me of AYDY as much as anything (unfortunately). It’s ok. Some decent keyboards as usual, and a few good riffs. I can’t see them returning to their former glory, but I could be wrong - the album can’t be far away, so we’ll see…

Another fan-remastered And Justice For All - probably the best balanced of the AJFA releases I’ve heard so far. He’s brought the mids way up, widened everything (various reverb tricks etc), successfully brought out the bass to an extent. Overall it’s good, I’ll definitely be listening to this version from now on. It comes with a sample comparison track so you can hear the changes pretty clearly.

Note: most of these albums I haven’t listened to anywhere near enough to give proper lasting opinions of - they’re just initial impressions in most cases, after a handful of listens or less. Except Dark Suns, which I’ve listened to quite a bit, and again heartily recommend to the progressive crew.

February 12, 2008

Spam of the Arbitrary Time Frame II

Having endured enjoyed a few weeks worth of scintillating spam subject-lines since starting back at work for the year, it’s only fair that I now share the cream of the crop with you, the loyal imaginary reader.

Rather than keep you in suspense any longer, let’s jump straight in and see what enticing goods are on offer this month.

Actually I’m not quite sure exactly what goods are on offer with this one. Anyone who can read it, feel free to let me know what it says:

 

Sometimes adjacent spams combine to create fortuitously complementary combinations.  This is not one such occasion:

 

Got problems in life?  Well it appears that your solution is here:

 

…because life is pleasure with antidepressants!  Grammatically-speaking, they could be asserting that the pleasure of life is broken only by the presence of antidepressants, but… probably not.

Belongs with other such truisms as “Girls are hot with antifreeze!” and “Get a head with antibodies!”.

Before you go spending your latest paycheck on the pure pleasure being dispensed by the doubtless completely-reliable Mssr M Piercy above, you might want to take heed of the warning below:

 

That’s right – beware of fake pills!  Like, for example, those probably being charlataned-off by nobody’s-very-good-friend, Mr Brady Gray.  Oh, wait…
 
As a general rule I don’t expect much in the way of actual wit from the wang-enhancement spammers, but recently one appeared to stop diverting his brain’s already-minimal blood flow for just long enough to mount a campaign of almost-humourous spams subject’d with popular phrases/lyrics/etc perverted into wang-related lines.

 

However with that decadely quota of wit having quickly diminished to flaccidity, we appear to be back to normalsville.  Well, not quite normalsville. 

 

Because the guy above has a wide spectrum of boner enlargers!  That’s right - when the first one doesn’t work, you can give him money for the next one!  You know the drill.  Package up your credit cards in a wrapping of blank cheques, write your internet banking details on the back, and send to the above address…

So you’ve spent all your money on completely-authentic \/|a6Ra, dubious pumping devices and the like… oh no!  But not to worry, because you, Name, have been selected!

 

Life would be so much simpler if spammers would neglect to complete their subject-line templates in this fashion more often - only moreso. 

"<Name>, you’ve been <targeted for scamming/ripping-off/time-wasting> - <miscellaneous bullshit attempt to trick money out of you>".

I promise, with the combined sincerity of all the above-illustrated spams, to literally give money to the first spammer who tempts me with such an honestly-presented offer.

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